3 Types of Struggle (And How to Know Which One Your Kid Is In)

Struggle is one of those parenting words that can make our stomach tighten.

Because on one hand, we want resilient kids—kids who can handle disappointment, work hard, and bounce back.

On the other hand, we don’t want our kids to hurt. And sometimes “struggle” is a warning sign, not a life lesson.

So, here’s a helpful filter I like to use at home:

There are three different types of struggles, and your job changes depending on which one your kid is in.

The 3 types of struggles (at a glance)

Let’s walk through each one—what it looks like and what to do next.

1) Normal, healthy life struggles

These are the everyday challenges that come with growing up. They’re uncomfortable, yes—but they’re also normal and often necessary for maturity.

Your role: Guide them through the struggle, not remove it.

Think: coach, not snowplow.

What it can look like

• Navigating social conflict at school (a friend is upset, someone said something rude, group dynamics shift)

• Becoming a responsible contributor at home (remembering chores, helping without constant reminders)

• Developing discipline for schoolwork (getting homework done well and on time)

What to do (practical parenting moves)

• Name the struggle without panic.

• “That sounds hard. Friend stuff can feel really heavy.”

• Help them problem-solve, but don’t take over.

• “What do you think your next step could be?”

• Build endurance in small reps.

• If homework is the struggle, the win might be: sit down, start, and do 10 focused minutes.

• Stay steady.

• Kids borrow our nervous system. If we act like it’s an emergency, they’ll feel like it’s an emergency.

A “Dinner Table” script

“I’m not going to fix this for you, but I’m 100% here with you. Let’s figure out your next right step.”

2) Unhealthy struggles

What it is

These are struggles that are overwhelming, dangerous, or beyond a child’s ability to handle with normal support. This is where parents sometimes get stuck—because we want kids to be “tough,” so we minimize… when actually, help is the brave move.

Your role: Step in, stabilize, and get the right support.

Think: protector, advocate, team-builder.

What it can look like

• Unexpected serious illness (or ongoing health issues that disrupt daily life)

• Substance use or addiction (or patterns that suggest risk, dependency, or unsafe behavior)

Other examples might include: self-harm, suicidal ideation, abuse, severe anxiety/depression, eating disorders, unsafe relationships, chronic bullying, or trauma.

What to do (practical parenting moves)

• Take it seriously early. You don’t need “proof” to offer support.

• Widen the circle. Loop in professionals and trusted adults: pediatrician, counselor/therapist, school counselor, pastor/mentor, recovery resources.

• Focus on safety and support, not punishment.

• Even when there are boundaries, the tone is: we’re moving toward help.

• Keep your connection.

• Your child may push you away. Don’t interpret that as “they don’t need you.”

A “Dinner Table” script

“This is bigger than willpower, and it’s not something you have to carry alone. We’re going to get help, and I’m staying close.”

If you’re unsure: When in doubt, treat it like it matters and consult a professional. It’s always okay to ask, “Is this within normal development—or is this outside the guardrails?”

3) Intentionally designed healthy struggles

What it is

These are challenges you choose on purpose because they build strength, skill, and confidence. They’re not random hardships; they’re structured opportunities to grow.

Your role: Design the challenge, provide support, and let the work be real.

Think: trainer, scaffolder, encourager.

What it can look like

• Becoming a talented musician (practice, feedback, performing)

• Earning a black belt in martial arts (discipline, patience, perseverance)

• Becoming financially competent (budgeting, earning, saving, planning)

These are powerful because they teach kids: effort connects to outcomes—and they learn to stay in the learning curve without quitting.

What to do (practical parenting moves)

• Make the struggle “just-right.”

• Not so easy it’s pointless; not so hard it crushes them.

• Normalize the learning curve.

• “It’s supposed to feel hard at first—that’s how we know you’re learning.”

• Support the process, not just the result.

• Praise practice, consistency, and resilience more than talent.

• Teach recovery.

• Rest, hydration, nutrition, sleep, emotional regulation—these are part of training too.

  
  

A “Dinner Table” script

“You don’t have to love every minute of practice. But if this goal matters to you, we’ll build a plan—and we’ll stick with it.”

How to tell which type of struggle your kid is in

And remember struggles can shift categories. A “normal” struggle can become unhealthy if it spirals or if a child’s support system collapses. You’re not trying to label your kid—you’re trying to choose the right response.

What parents often get wrong

(and how to correct it)

FAQs: 3 Types of Struggle

1) Isn’t it my job to make life easier for my kids?

It’s your job to make life safe and supported, not necessarily easy. Some “hard” is how kids build capability. The key is matching your response to the type of struggle.

2) How do I support without rescuing?

Try this three-step rhythm:

1. Empathize (“That’s frustrating.”)

2. Get curious (“What part is hardest?”)

3. Coach one step (“What’s your next move?”)

3) What are signs a struggle is unhealthy?

Big ones include safety risks, self-harm talk, substance use, drastic mood/behavior changes, ongoing sleep/appetite disruption, panic, intense withdrawal, persistent hopelessness, or anything that feels bigger than normal stress and isn’t improving with basic support.

4) What if my kid refuses help?

Stay calm and widen the circle anyway. You can still consult a pediatrician or therapist as a parent and ask, “How do I approach this?” Also: keep connection points open—rides, meals, short check-ins—without interrogations.

5) How do I choose a good “designed struggle”?

Look for something that:

• your child has at least some interest in,

• builds a useful skill (discipline, teamwork, service, money, movement),

• has a clear path for progress,

• and includes healthy adults/coaches and safe structure.

6) How much struggle is too much?

If your child is constantly flooded—meltdowns, shutdowns, dread every day—reduce the load. Even good challenges need recovery and margin.

One small next step for this week

At dinner (or in the car), try this simple question:

“What was something hard today—and what helped you get through it?”

You’re not just collecting information.

You’re teaching your child:

Struggle is normal. Support is available. And you can do hard things.

Download the Free Resource

If you want to start building healthy money awareness without pressure, this is a simple place to begin. No charts. No lectures. Just thoughtful questions that fit into everyday life.

Financial literacy starts with conversation. And even the smallest conversations can shape how kids understand responsibility for years to come.